How many times does a child hear their parents say “Are you listening to me?” As most people know there is a difference in hearing and listening. Hearing is passive. It cannot be turned on or off. The only way you cannot hear is to plug the external canals or make loud vocal blocking noises. There is no memory to hearing. While the process of hearing is a very complex process with many moving parts (many of which can breakdown), it is passive.
However listening is a skill that requires action. To listen, a person must pay attention and understand what those sounds mean. Listening requires understanding of the sounds heard from words to birds to explosions.
Can the art of listening be taught? Can an individual improve their skill in listening? The first thing to recognize is what the barriers to effective listening are. One of the first barriers to poor listening is the numerous distractions that interfere such as people talking, TV, phone notifications. Another is thinking that you know what the person is going to say and don’t pay attention because who needs old news. Sometimes the emotional state of the listener gets in the way of listening as they are paying more attention to their emotional state, angry or happy. There is also fatigue. When the brain is tired it is once again too tired to pay attention. That is one of the main reasons people need to get enough sleep so they listen and learn. Listening is an active process and requires a rested brain.
By the time a baby is about two months old they are paying attention during their awake time to the people around them. Paying attention to both visual and sound information. The first time a baby really smiles is exciting and the baby is noting not only the eyes, but facial expression, the voice, and the way they are being held. Adults begin having conversations with the baby usually in a higher different pitch and rhythm. These early “vocal” exchanges slowly evolved in communications of what the baby needs or wants. As the baby learns which sounds are rewarded communication begins.
One of the main barriers to listening is distractions from the interpersonal connections between baby and family. It is helpful to have surroundings with less competition from devices and TV’s. Keeping voices level and not fearful or loud decreases the distractions of conflicting emotions.
Communication with teenagers presents another level of barriers for listening. Devices abound with conflicting sounds and visual distraction. Listening is much better for both teenager and parents if both put their devices down and really concentrate on listening. Parents need to try to not be judgmental about the item being discussed and let the teenager discuss their concerns. Situations and individual relationships change rapidly and learning how to listen is important for both parents and teen ager.
Perhaps when there is not a “crisis”, plan on how to have a discussion with both sides listening.
by Sally Robinson, MD Clinical Professor
Keeping Kids Healthy
Published February 2025